February 2011
62 posts
4 tags
thingsyoucantsayatwork: The toilet paper dispenser in my office’s bathroom is so loud it might as well be hooked up to a PA system that blares the pre-recorded message, “ATTENTION ANY FEMALE EMPLOYEES USING THE COPY MACHINE WHOM I MAY HAVE WANTED TO ASK OUT, I AM CURRENTLY TAKING A SHIT. I AM TAKING A SHIT RIGHT NOW. PLEASE NEVER FUCK ME.”
Feb 1st
31 notes
January 2011
107 posts
4 tags
Jan 28th
3 notes
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Jan 28th
16 notes
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Jan 27th
15 notes
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Jan 27th
21 notes
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Jan 26th
55 notes
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Jan 26th
10 notes
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Jan 26th
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Jan 21st
8 notes
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Jan 21st
32 notes
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thingsyoucantsayatwork: When Karen went to lunch today I farted on the pen that she always chews on. Because I hate her. Fuck you, Karen.
Jan 21st
64 notes
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Been listening to so much Tool today that it...
Jan 21st
8 notes
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Unnerving direct eye contact and shirtlessness are...
Jan 20th
5 notes
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Today's breakfast: cold Egg McMuffin, coffee, 9...
Jan 20th
8 notes
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violetviolentdaylight asked: thanks for the add, your blog is awesomelly hilarious. i'm in tears. :')
Jan 20th
4 tags
Jan 20th
12 notes
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Jan 20th
17 notes
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The guys working at my local Chipotle and the...
Jan 20th
19 notes
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Jan 20th
59 notes
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Jan 20th
2 notes
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Not to say my ex-girlfirend had a big pussy but...
Jan 19th
32 notes
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Jan 19th
13 notes
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Jan 19th
3 notes
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Oh please, oh please, can a few more chicks who...
Jan 18th
17 notes
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Accidentally ate an 8-year-old can of Bumblebee...
Jan 17th
13 notes
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Dear Funny Tumblr Friends, I built a Tumblr blog where people can post (via email, text or Tumblr) things that you can’t say at your dayjob. It’s called “Things You Can’t Say At Work.” Here’s the URL: http://thingsyoucantsayatwork.com You are all very funny, sarcastic folks and many of you have dayjobs that don’t allow you to write, tweet or blog...
Jan 17th
10 notes
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Jan 17th
3 notes
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Jan 17th
6 notes
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Jan 16th
1 note
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Can we all just start calling a woman's gut boob...
Jan 16th
11 notes
persephonemag asked: Heya Dan. You made me laugh. I like that. My magazine runs a column on Tuesdays called 7 Questions for a Witty Gentleman, and I'd love it if you'd like to participate.
http://persephonemagazine.com
~Ophelia Payne, EIC
Jan 16th
4 tags
For a group of people who can't read, the cast of...
Jan 16th
33 notes
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Wearing a cologne today called "Too Much Laundry...
Jan 15th
5 notes
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Whenever my wife starts complaining to me about...
Jan 14th
22 notes
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Who hasn't bummed a cigarette off of me today?...
Jan 14th
9 notes
Co-worker just called me "Captain Inappropriate."...
Jan 14th
4 tags
Co-worker just called me "Captain Inappropriate."...
Co-worker just called me “Captain Inappropriate.” Luckily, the audio from the Bang Bus video I’m playing on my Macbook drowned them out.
Jan 14th
8 notes
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Jan 14th
35 notes
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About to find out how many times you can say...
Jan 14th
13 notes
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Been listening to so much Lil Wayne lately that...
Jan 14th
7 notes
Been listening to so much Lil Wayne lately that...
Jan 14th
4 tags
Just got in trouble at work. And by "in trouble" I...
Jan 14th
4 notes
Just got in trouble at work. And by "in trouble" I...
Jan 14th
4 tags
Wondering how visibly I'd have to shit my pants to...
Jan 14th
12 notes
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Jan 13th
1 note
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I'm not a hero or anything but I did just pee some...
Jan 13th
12 notes
Jan 13th
15 notes
Lil Wayne not only makes way more money than I do...
Jan 12th
4 tags
Lil Wayne not only makes way more money than I do...
Jan 12th
10 notes
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Fun Fact: The outgoing signature attachment for my...
Jan 12th
11 notes